Aime Hutton - Bullying - a bonus conversation

introduction : 0:02

You're listening to fascinating women with Mark Laurie. And now, Mark Laurie.

Mark Laurie : 0:09

Hello, this is a special edition. This is Mark Laurie from inner spirit photography now from the fascinating women every now and then we come across a guest, who has got a background that really speaks to society, there's an experience that she's got. And it's put her on a path that has her literally changing the world and changing the people within it in a really positive fashion. And today, that person is Aime, you probably may have caught her earlier podcast, if not go back and listen to it maybe before listen this one because that sets the stage for this. Now Aime has a background of being bullied. And that hit her at a young age, quite by surprise and really shook her world and when people are bullied, there's two paths, of course that they want to take in one path is it drags them down for the rest of their life and no Are our people that we have to protect and nurture and grow back up again, but other people, they come out finding out if you listen only when you remember that when Aime was born at one point, they put boxing gloves on her. So she literally is a fighter, surrounded by love and this and she brings those two things to the core. And so, as she really thought through the bullying thing and recognize what it was, she became a fighter and a disrupter for change. That's a fair statement. Aime?

Aimee Hutton : 1:32

. Yes.

Aimee Hutton : 1:34

So it's a Aime Hutton we're talking to a very accomplished woman is very much involved in protecting young women. So let's just recap really quickly because we assume that they will listen to the previous podcast, your history with with the second three, four minutes, your history of being bullied.

Aimee Hutton : 1:51

So bullying, it's happened because the teachers wanted to hold me back in grade three. They want to put me into special education. My parents said No, we'll have a redo grade three instead. But that's when the name calling started. And I was called names with endlessly every day, to the point where in grade seven, I was actually physically assaulted, physically attacked in the girls locker room by girl in grade eight by being flung around by my bra strap, and I go flying into the lockers. And that was a hard time in my life because I didn't know who I could trust I couldn't, I didn't have control over anything. And I didn't know what was going on. And my safe spaces were the swim, being in the water being on swim class and dance and being in Girl Guides. So those are my safe spaces where I could kind of develop my own self and be okay and, and be celebrated, actually, as well. And then into high school with the bullying. I had finished being bullied by all my peers, which I was very happy about, right. Yeah, it actually jumped into the educators in the teachers, one of them in particular That said, you know, you're left handed, you'll never pass my biology class, which is an abuse of power, which is an abuse of authority and is a form of bullying that teachers need to be mindful of. So that's why I call myself Yes, a youth diversity advisor, brackets just to myself is that I'm an education disrupter.

Mark Laurie : 3:22

I love the phrase. And of course, this is the thing, if you ever encountered the phrase the pendulum is that so there's a friend of mine and he developed this concept. It's so scary supplements, swings, to group everything, and the standalone guy in the wilderness type of stuff and going back in time, you can if you pick a certain angle, the pendulum you cannot tell what area looked at by the titles of songs and had newspaper headlines and so on. And we've moved much very much into this with called the WE Group where we're concerned about community. And so we there's a voice being given and you can see It's so many places to people who haven't had a voice in a long time and this will get louder and louder until it becomes ineffective and then it kind of falls back down again but the interim massive changes are occurring. And you're part of that so the the bullying is is is interesting because we usually see bullying from the TV version you know, Johnny comes up and thump somebody and says give me your dessert money kind of stuff and, and that's usually how we mentally frame how it is but it's much subtler than that isn't like you're talking abuse of power. So the the bullying and we always like to think the bullies at some point become repentant and fix their ways without think really happens as much as people like to believe it does.

Unknown Speaker : 4:45

Yeah. And girl and girl bullying is actually can be really subtle. Like, just the snide remarks or like I remember walking past a group of girls who I thought were my friends. They'd be talking about Me negatively as I walked by them and so yeah girl and bullying girl on girl bullying happens a lot more than people, educators really see because it's so minute microaggressions even

Mark Laurie : 5:13

Yeah and it's it's long lasting effects. How can you stop a parent has got a child who's being bullies are some signs they can see because the kids are I'm imagining a lot of cases they're gonna they're gonna try to they're a bit embarrassed they want to involve the parents was a whole bunch of like that the thing was really blows me away like you know, everyone hates a snitch. I'm going Why would you hate a snitch like your, you know, the only person who gets saved is the snitch like there's no upside to that. But nonetheless, that's the culture thing that kind of goes out like it's a good ol boys thing. How can parents spot that there's something they should start to be worried about?

Aimee Hutton : 5:52

That's a good question. There's a few different things that are coming to mind and thinking about my own self and I I never told my parents I was being bullied. Although I'm pretty sure they knew something was going on because like I was by myself a lot, I had one friend and she was a year ahead of me at school, and I never had friends over. And I, you know, did my work kept to myself. There may be also signs if you want to get to a second degree level or an even more severe level of the mental health of their daughter. And if they're wearing like long sleeves even in like the summer, that can be two different kinds of science. It could be a sign of Your daughter is cutting herself or your daughter is starving herself because she's wearing the long clothes because she's cold. It's going to a person is not eating their body goes into To fight or flight really any want to keep all that stored energy, so a lot of the time they can be cold. And that's why they'll wear the long sleeves. A to stop showing that they're cutting themselves and, or that and the other thing too is they can be thinking about myself too. I didn't want to go to school and, you know, kids could come up with the, you know, I have a stomachache, or they're dawdling or being really slow at getting out the door in the morning. like there might be more going on than just,I don't want to go to to school. .

Aimee Hutton : 7:37

Yeah.

Mark Laurie : 7:37

So they're just sort of thinking of and correct me if I'm wrong, but if you'd see a change, so the child is going to school, and they die a little get there. And then you're gonna go to your aunt's house, and they're ahead of the game. So you start to see, because it should be a habit. Like if a person is a dawdler, then they're always dawdling doesn't matter where it's two. That's the nature of their personality. But if they dawdle to this event, but don't to that one, then there's probably a reason why they're dawdling to that one. Yeah. Oh, that would be would be a sign thing with it.

Unknown Speaker : 8:11

Yeah. Cuz I loved going to Girl Guides and I love going to my dad's class yet, you know, whatever time in the morning 8:30 or whatever it was in the morning that I had to be going to school. Yeah, no.

Mark Laurie : 8:26

So So bullying is gonna have repercussions. Like even like you're, you're one of the fighters that came out of it, but that's gonna have implications on the job. You get the caliber education, the depth of relationships, is that a fair statement? Like it really goes deep.

Unknown Speaker : 8:42

It does. And it's, it's long lasting. For me with finishing my high school and going into university, my self confidence and my belief in myself were still really low. So when I got into university and I met a boy who I came through the most abusive relationship and being stalked by him. I was like, well, this is what love is because this is what it looks like. And I didn't believe that I desire I didn't believe that I deserved better I didn't believe that I could have a partner that would love me and care for me and not control me the way he did. And then moving into outside of school, so job or whatever. Yeah, and this is kind of funny. It's just sort of downloading to me as we're sitting here. The bit about the belief that I do deserve to have an amazing career or do the amazing life work, entrepreneur stuff that I want to do that I I'm valuable, that I'm lovable, that I'm deserving and worthy of, of doing my global work and because the tape in my head of I'm stupid I'm dumb I'm retarded I'm a loser and I'm ugly those tapes played on my head and even even today Mark like I'm when I've given workshops or talks to groups. I will say there are days as a 43 year old woman standing here in front of you today that I will still every now and then think that oh me are so stupid.

Aimee Hutton : 10:25

So it's a healing journey that can last a long time.

Mark Laurie : 10:31

Yeah. I we get a lot of clients in who that's like in our studio. One of the things we do is we actually transfer our name from a law photographer to a transformational photographer because we're discovery will come in that's what they're really doing is looking for transformation. We hear some of these stories and they get comfort with this. They will tell us this is some of their background this other crime do and something because the experience of doing a nude series because we are you know, very few of our clients come in and they're the movie star, kind of bodies are what people think about our bodies and to wind up seeing themselves on two levels. One is they've gone through this. And so they get to dangle it. So they go to people who are going to start maybe Picking on them or deminishing them. So, yeah, so I just finished a new photoshoot with Mark Laurie. So that carries a certain prestige with us. And yeah, have you done yours yet? And usually those the people deal with I could not do and there's a sense of power like oh my god, so there's something about her that's not the same that's kind of a cool thing. So they it but it is, you have to be conscious of it. Like I can see that like when we talk to girls and other girls that's what they get the books for is becomes one of their anchors that feeling a little that pull these things out. What do you do when that hits you again, when you when you suddenly have this self talk at yourself?

Unknown Speaker : 11:48

That's that's negative?

Mark Laurie : 11:49

Yeah.

Mark Laurie : 11:51

There's a couple of different things I do. And this is something I was taught by a business teacher guide, mentor type person, right? He he said years ago That when the negative talk that you can say, either aloud or to yourself, cancel, cancel, cancel, okay? And then flip it to saying, I am in the process of living my best life or I'm in the process of standing on stages speaking my truth. So it's flipping the dialogue. And the other one is instead of cancel, cancel, cancel, it's thank you for sharing that with me. The words you're telling yourself, yep. Thank you for sharing that with me. However, pivot Yeah, twist, you know, by coach now, she talks about you know, a one degree shift like, looking straight at the camera as I am right now talking to you, I just shift one degree. Hmm. I'm now looking at something completely different, right? And just those tiny shifts going, like even just one degree around That you can shift your mindset, your way of thinking and, and what you're observing really in the world.

Mark Laurie : 13:05

We had, there's one of my coaches, mentors, not sure what to call John Keho is he started the whole thought of power of thought. And he had a course he took it. And it's, it's, it's mind bending, it's really a, it's one of the originators. Anyways, he was talking about the sound like he have 800 or 8,000 thoughts go, in your mind a day or some enormous number for them. And they drop in unbidden. And he says, the power that you've got is you don't, you can't control a pops in your brain because there's some part of your brain that says, these things fly in. He goes, but you can choose what you're going to spend time with. And so he says, that's a hard skill to learn because we're lazy and that just the brain does want to be corralled. But you've got that choice, the more you choose what to spend your time on, the more that brain muscle becomes strengthened to do that. So it's It's a very powerful think.

Mark Laurie : 14:01

actually my business, the business teacher, person guide, who told me that cancel, cancel, cancel. He actually did study with john Cahill. Ah, so I was like, Oh, I know that name. So yeah,

Mark Laurie : 14:11

he's got a new level out. Yeah, he's he's pretty amazing. So. So there's the background, the kids are identified, but what to watch for when the kids are being bullied. Now, how it affects them, and it the damage it does to it. Because in the previous when we're talking about how, if the kids are in school, and they're bullied, and they are, I mean, Maslow's Hierarchy here, if they're not feeling safe, if they're not feeling nurtured, their ability to learn anything is almost zero because they're to the fighter, you know, fight or flight kind of stuff. And so then that just rotates down their life because if you're a parent, you should be so concerned about this because if you allow bullying, to have it, it's a fine line because you don't want to be a helicopter mom. And not that not that to fight their own battles because you got to grow and get a backbone at the same time. That's different than being bullied and beaten down. There's there's a, that's a hard line to figure out sometimes I suppose it's beyond my scope my knowledge, but if they feel nurtured and protected, that's can also alter their whole trajectory. Yes. And and now and they can rise above stuff if they're left alone and they are always just trying to hide they're going to be there that's gonna you set down a dangerous path which no parents if you're listening you're a parent thought to hold in your mind is the kind of person you raise and how financially able they are in life at the early age is going to determine how well they can look after you in your old age.

Aimee Hutton : 15:44

Interesting.

Mark Laurie : 15:45

So if you raise a child who's got no financial resources, and something goes south, in your old age, you're gonna live in a pretty bad place. If you have a child who's struggling and can't get, share with the outside world, the love you're going to miss that. So In your old self interest, you should help your children grow up healthy.

Aimee Hutton : 16:05

in all areas of life,

Mark Laurie : 16:07

yes, complete in all areas and they can go into it so, so moving on so now you're, you've lots been done with with children bullying, bullying child a child and, and how subtle The girls are to each other. But you've uncovered the issue of authoritative power now in schools, it's teachers, but it happens anywhere. And, and I think once a child has been, I guess, successfully bullied in that they haven't fought back and they've got a mindset of being a victim. Yeah, they're having to struggle with it. Adult bullies in the adult life I think can spot that they just spot their old welcoming target. And so you started a movement and training to help fight that and that's your disruptive versus So tell us a bit about that.

Unknown Speaker : 16:54

Yeah, so as an edge as a youth diversity advisor. I I'm focused 100% on helping educators to create or have facilitate safe spaces for their young female students so that young female students can instill confidence and connection and courage and inclusion in themselves. And because of what I experienced,

Mark Laurie : 17:23

right,

Unknown Speaker : 17:24

that's exactly why I do what I do. And my people talk about well, what's your why what's your big

Mark Laurie : 17:30

Why? Yeah, that's a big catch word these days.

Unknown Speaker : 17:33

It is and my big Why is I do it for the girl who is 13 I do it for the girl who was me, who doesn't have a voice, who is afraid to speak her truth. The girl who you know, is maybe having some learning challenges and maybe also identity sexuality identity of who she is. I do it with a 13 year old girl by working with With the adults by working with the educators to say, you know, let's talk about kindness let's talk about social and emotional well being in school and give you some tools and some resources and discuss that. You know, here's how. . . well teachers know that bullying happens. They know it. Yey here's some tools on how to look out for it even better. How to stop bullying from happening. I I met with a friend of mine who I will connect you with. She's a remarkable woman. You may even know of the story mark and your listeners. There was a girl by the name of Rita Parsons in Nova Scotia who was cyber bullied. And

Mark Laurie : 18:49

yes, I remember the story.

Unknown Speaker : 18:50

attacked, and her mom is my friend. And her mom said one day to me and she's like Aime, hurt people. hurt people. So to work with educators on creating and having, you know, positive things like what is something that you can be proud of that day, that moment and have the rest of the students in the classroom celebrate it every morning of class or every morning of school? That's, that's one tip I actually want to offer to anyone who is an educator listening, especially right now, because I know, I know teachers right now are pulling their hair out and principals and educators are just going, what the flip to dip Am I doing with these students? And how do I keep them engaged? Well engage them, ask them questions that maybe aren't related to two plus two and five times five. Like, get to that emotional level. And what really works to mark is that if the teachers say well, I'm proud of myself today, because Last night, I know I finished my book that I was reading like, you know, something. Yeah. When teachers share those vulnerable and little pieces of themselves, you know, within the boundaries of you know, you don't want to go overboard with it. But you know, something that "I finished my book last night". It shows the students that, oh, my teacher is telling me something that she does at home, or he does at home. I can trust my teacher, I can open up to my teacher.

Mark Laurie : 18:51

Mm hmm. That's powerful. How does that mix in with the large classrooms like you're a teacher and you've got like 30 - 40 kids, I mean, the numbers that these classrooms usually have a hard for me to comprehend because of the era that I grew up in.

Aimee Hutton : 20:47

Yeah, don't get me started in that topic.

Mark Laurie : 20:49

Yeah. It's now there's like, a couple years I get confused about because again, I'm 65 now but this is a thought I've had for a long time. Is that the There's two areas that I've liked. I mean, since my 30s, I was looking around going i, this important. One is the caliber of child that goes to the school system is really important to me. Because when they grow up, and I'm old, they're the ones who are running the control. So if they have compasion compassion, and if they're bright, my old infirm age is going to be better.

Aimee Hutton : 21:24

Yeah. Yeah. So,

Mark Laurie : 21:26

it of interest happening,

Unknown Speaker : 21:28

it has to come. So another thing that actually this business teacher of mine talks about is the culture of your workplace. So in this race, the culture of your school, and leadership comes from the top down. Yep. It doesn't come from the bottom up. So if your administrators and miss ministers of education or state leaders of education, start being vulnerable, and start talking about, you know, things that are related to social animals Mental Health of themselves, therefore it all trickles down. So it's getting that culture of the school to be okay with Yeah, we're going to take, you know 5 - 10 minutes and say what you're proud of. I actually did this when for a while I worked in a school with all kids with disabilities. And I asked my teacher that I was the TA with for one day I said, Hey, can we do this for like, you know, a week I want to see what, how it goes. Every student in the grade six class had to say what they're proud of. And the energy and the shift in that classroom, the kids came more as a team. The kids were more engaged with each other and celebrating each other. And they all lived with different disabilities, some physical, some more behavioral, no developmental. yet. That small shift was amazing to see to the point where they graduated the grades. The school ended in grade six and they got to graduate. And the grade six class gets to choose a song. They kind of march into or coming gymnasium. They chose the song that I was using in this activity because I played them this one song every day. And it's the song is called What have you done today to make you feel proud by Heather small. And so that's the song they walked into for their graduation.

Mark Laurie : 23:25

That's impressive. I just finished a referral course which is about how to connect with people help them grow and so on. That's the on B and I which is the whole thing is givers gain. wishes she started her program off there's probably about maybe 30 of us in that group. It so she had to keep it tight. And so each person it was towards the resonate with you right now how you feel about where you're at, and one accomplishment and I can the sentence kind of thing. So people go I'm feeling exasperated, excited. My accomplishment was I booked three clients My gosh was I, you know, I walked for an hour. And it was very quick, like each person probably had maybe 30 seconds, 35 seconds. So it because that's the whole thing. I've seen that happen where you go through that, and there's a large group of people and all sudden, you've done that, and then you've lost half your time. You can't You can't teach stuff. So those little short things they do, they do help reset the room. And they also set on a flag that says, Oh, this person's tired or this person is feeling exasperated. Well, maybe I can help with that and nurtures into it.

Aimee Hutton : 24:32

Yeah, and it's a way for teachers and principals, they get principals do it with their teachers at every staff meeting or whatever. It's a way for principals to gauge how their teachers are feeling. So again, it's that trickle down effect and then how teachers can say, Oh, you know, Johnny is having some issues or Sally is, something's going on and maybe I need to connect in with her, you know,

Mark Laurie : 24:58

like it's through there. And it's really powerful stuff for it. So, and the other podcast we have, I think it's worth over again, you had a vision to a bigger vision with this with your whole bloody thing, which is wonderful. That's your inch by inch is part of it. Yes. Okay, so the indices talk a little bit about inch by inch, because this is a resource for people are being bullied and for people who want to get out of the cycle of bullying, so my suspicion is in this day of enlight My hope is that some bullies are, as they're having with some of the blacks and the different communities are starting to realizing I didn't realize that was that was a bully activity. I thought we were just, we're just joking back and forth. And I didn't I don't like that to myself. I didn't like that kind of thing happening. So that's what inch by inch looks after that. So

Aimee Hutton : 25:50

mostly, yeah, inch by inch empowerment is a platform and a service. Two parts so this Service is me inch by inch empowerment Amy Hutton coming into a school and working with teachers and upper level students on leadership on being peer support leaders and working with educators and principals. And you mentioned like big picture is, you know, speaking to top level administrators, even government level ministers of education, right? Like if the dream is teaching, speaking with them, and then watching the ripple effect that branch down effect. Yeah, come down if I can change the way the ministers of education, think about the students because really their focus. Unfortunately, I know it's about dollars and cents. Yeah. However, it's about those students. It's about those kids. So if the minister is of education or the state leaders of education can shift their mindset because we talked about mindset. They can shift their mindset about Oh yeah. How are things doing emotionally, with with the teacher with my principals know my administration people, and then how that trickles down. And it would just be school would be a much more happy place to be. Yeah, inch by inch empowerment. Works works with educators and teachers and principals, specifically Junior High senior high level. Mostly. I do have a friend who's a principal of a class a school that goes up to grade six. So special circumstances, yes, I will work with that population. yet. My focus is really the junior high senior high and working on coping strategies on bullying, venting, you know, we with the COVID thing we're all talking about, let's flatten the curve. of COVID. Well, how about we flatten the curve of bullying?

Mark Laurie : 28:04

Yeah. And that would create a seismic change the society?

Aimee Hutton : 28:08

It would. So that's that. And then the other piece is Yeah, so in Facebook, I have a group that's called inch by inch empowerment leaders. And this is a group for moms and teen daughters. Or depending on the Facebook age limit. I think they started 1313. Yeah. So So tween upper tween and the teenagers that can come in and say, here's my bullying story. I've been bullied and for the caring adults, because there are there's people in the group like myself who I don't have children, yet it's my my life path, my vision of to work with kids, and then helping educators and stuff. So there's people in that group that will hold space and say, you know, you're okay, you're not alone. It's also a group where moms can come and say, I'm pulling out my hair, what can I do? And then it's that connection piece, that support piece and also in the group is, you know, uplifting quotes, like I have quotes all around my room right now. Right? And, and music is important to me, for me and just, here's some inspirational things to help you get through whatever it is you're going through. And that group, as I said, it's called inch by inch empowerment leaders and it's open. It's a it's a private group, but it's an open group. So you can search it, you find it. Yeah, once you're in it, you're in you don't know people can't see what you're writing.

Mark Laurie : 29:36

Hmm. So those are the two things that's cool. I think we'll wrap it up that's it. Anything else want to pass on before we go any gem that's been burning to come out?

Aimee Hutton : 29:48

I'm just a final little comment. And it's that you know, if you are because I know if every seven minutes a child experiencing bullying. There's a lot of adults, women, adult survivors of childhood bullying out there. Yeah. So you're not alone. If you're being bullied right now or if you're a survivor of and you're struggling, no, you're not alone, to reach out. And when I also love to say when I've done Facebook Lives and whatever, my three well, three words is Be brave, be bold, and be yourself.

Mark Laurie : 30:32

That's good. That's good, I think I'd like to leave with people is there's actually three people in the room when that happens. There's the person who's being bullied. It's the person who's bullying. But the third person is the person who can stand up for the for the person who's being bullied. And so you don't want to be a passive person. If you see up and step into it. Two things happen is you send a message the bullier that this is not appropriate. You send out equally more powerful action work should say More powerful, more powerful message to the person has been bullied is that someone is here for you, like there is there's a safe people watching out for you. And that gives a chance for them to stand up and be protected and kind of grow. So, if you're not the bully, and if you're not being bullied, you also have a role to play that is so powerful and, and, and step into that role.

Aimee Hutton : 31:22

Yeah, and I wish I had somebody I wish I had peers time in my life that you would have stood up because I didn't have any difference.

Aimee Hutton : 31:32

So yes, I agree fully.

Mark Laurie : 31:34

Well, thank you for this time. It's It's It's It's a powerful it's something that I think with what's going on today in the world with the people coming together that it's it's a it's a it's a moment for it. There's a year and a time to actually have a louder megaphone happen and I hope it reached a lot of people. Thank you for joining me.

Aimee Hutton : 31:53

Thank you Mark for the opportunity. It was wonderful.

introduction : 31:56

This has been fascinating women with Mark Laurie. Join us on our website and subscribe at fascinating women. Fascinating women has been sponsored by inner spirit photography of Calgary, Alberta and is produced in Calgary by Leah Lewis and my office media.