Trish Guise- Our chat brought out a unique mix in her personality. While she laughs a lot, her passion for helping women going through dangerous divorces focused. She has been there, surprised that she was yet fought through it. Taking that fight knowledge as a life purpose for other women. It does not define her though, she has a new happy marriage, children and zest for life that always has her smiling.
We talk about her gave her the strongest viewpoint and strength, that was a fun surprise, How sports helped get through those hard times and carries her today. Lots of insights, some unique viewpoints and things to consider.
I think you will enjoy this conversation.
Bio Trish Guise
Trish Guise, MBA is a Divorce & Parenting Coach specializing in working with families experiencing abuse or high conflict. Trish is also a certified New Ways for Families® (NWFF) Coach, trained by Bill Eddy, Esq., co-founder of the High Conflict Institute. Trish founded her practice after surviving her own high conflict divorce that spanned 12 years.
For over 25 years Trish has taught others effective communication and conflict resolution skills in various scenarios. She initially honed her skills during her tenure as a Human Resources executive, University Business Instructor, Training Facilitator, Co-Founder of an Oil & Gas Consulting Firm and Executive Coach. As a result of her high conflict divorce and experience with parental alienation, Trish had the opportunity to study and work with many of the world's leading experts in family law, high conflict, post-separation abuse, and parental alienation. Combining her education and experience, Trish is on a mission to ensure people in high conflict situations are equipped with as many tools and resources as possible to minimize enduring trauma and prevent becoming a targeted parent.
Trish helps parents navigate their divorce while protecting their children from the arising conflict. She supports her clients with guidance on emotional regulation, issue assessment, document preparation, case management, understanding the divorce process, and how to choose and communicate with their family lawyer. Trish teaches clients how to trust their judgment as a parent, trust their ability to make the best choice for their children and how to be the kind of parent their children need them to be.
Trish’s specialties include communicating with high conflict/antagonistic individuals, recognizing and handling the power imbalance between parents (particularly if one parent was a stay-at-home parent), preventing parental alienation and advocating for a child’s right to a loving relationship with both parents, save for any abuse or neglect.
5 things you need to know to survive and thrive after a divorce:
About Mark Laurie - Host.
Mark has been transforming how women see themselves, enlarging their sense of sexy, expanding their confidence in an exciting adventure that is transformational photography. His photo studio is inner Spirit Photography.
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You're listening to fascinating women with Mark Laurie. And now, Mark Laurie.Mark Laurie:
Hello, everyone, it's Mark Laurie here. I'm your host for fascinating women. Now usually I'm photographing amazing women. As my job as a photographer, friend or sphere of photography, who actually hosts my fascinating women program. And I have a blast doing that the women who come in are amazing. We get to tell their story in the camera, they get bold and brave. Sometimes they're very fashionable others. It's a very neat process. If you're interested in that. Look at the bottom you can find a link to us. But for fascinating women today I've got Trish this guy. That last name Chris Bell perfectly. Stop guys last name. Yeah. So I've got Trisha guys with me. And she is really intriguing, really intriguing, as well as fascinating for so welcome Trish. And I've got you locked on having a go. There we go. There we go. It's all good and life. Sweet. So How you doing today?Trish:
Great. It's been a good day, despite the weather. It's been a really good day. Sweet.Mark Laurie:
So just tell us a little bit highlights of your childhood that sort of formed, it's kind of shaped a bit who you are today is positive. You tell me more today because you know what she is we're going to come back circle this we actually going to have a special discussion on this. But for joining us today is she's a coach for high conflict, divorces. And there's a route that she got there that's really kind of intriguing. There's personality stuff for it. So let's just pop back to your childhood. Again. I'm talking about some stuff that kind of shaped your personality so that when you were able to take stuff on you were able to take stuff on.Trish:
Sure, yeah. idyllic childhood really, you know, the great parents, I was an only child for the first 12 years of my life loved it. Love My sister now, but at this time, it wasn't so happy about it. I want to share spotlight. We still joke about that. The poor kid I wanted a brother and got a sister. And it just it just all fell apart when I was 12. But no, I was really great extended family too. I was the only grandchild actually for quite a while so as the golden child. So a lot of great attachments and attention and a lot of love, love from everyone. But I was heavily involved in sports. My dad is a very active and athletic he was a phys ed teacher for a while. And so I had the benefit of being involved in any sport that I wanted to be in was dance gymnastics, I played school sports, I was quite good at basketball, my dad coached me that kind of thing. And you know, one of the things that I look back now I'm so grateful that my dad put me into sports as well as my mom, because it gave me as a female a bit of a level playing field. So as an adult, even I can pick up the game of golf, I can do anything I want. I'm not one of these people that says Oh, no, I have to sit back because they can't play you know, I can play soccer I can do whatever it is that I want. And I also gave me a sense of camaraderie and having another family outside my family and being in team sports. I really loved it. And I've even gone back now to some of the my loves, like dads, for instance, they started a few years ago dancing, heels dancing. So I'm trying to find some of that that joy again. But it was like I one of the most influential people in my life would be my paternal grandmother might not know she was Italian. And she had a very difficult childhood in Italy. And listening to her stories and listening to how my dad grew up really gave me a sense of how blessed my life is, but also gave me a sense of what a person has to endure sometimes and how you can overcome adversity and still be a great person and give to other people and not just succumb to that adversity like she really anytime I have a tough time I think back I think, you know, what would she do, and I just think there's nothing I can't handle because of what she overcame in life.Mark Laurie:
So she become kind of your, your strength or a role model for you to sort of see the world through a lens that is, things aren't insurmountable, there's a path around stuff, just have to find it with grace,Trish:
very much, so very much so. And she always did it with laughter and with love, you know, with some of the things that she endured, and even through the war, and even as when she was raising her children in this country. They didn't know the language, they didn't have any money, no support, like like they do today. And she just grinned and bared it and just do what she had to do. And she really is inspiration because a person going through all that can become very jaded and never was and was always willing to help someone else that was less fortunate and what was so growing up, she grew up as an orphan and so she didn't have a lot of love, but it amazed me how much she was capable of loving. And that's given me a lot of perspective to that no matter how especially going through divorces. You know people get caught up in all of the you know, Have a sterile nature of it. But you've got to remember, you still got to keep focus on the children and loving themselves them as well as yourself. And she was an inspiration to me for that, because there's nothing you could do to her that would make her stop loving and sharing and giving. She's just, She's incredible.Mark Laurie:
So what personality trait is most proud of you sit back and go, that's the one that defines me.Trish:
I think my, I don't have the personality trait, or it's, I guess it is, but I, I am a seeker of justice. And I'm not afraid to be the only one in the room to stand up. If something is if someone's taking advantage of something that's or someone's good nature. Or if someone's taking advantage of the situation. I just I can't I'm compelled. I can't take it. Even if it's a detriment to me, I have even when I was little I have taken on bigger kids that have been picking on someone in the playground and you know, just a little, you know, girl with pigtails. And I would I would stand right in between them. And that's just who I was never thought about it. I still don't sometimes, I know, when I look back, I think, oh, that wasn't so bright, that could have been in trouble and hurt myself. But I just and I do very much get that from both of my parents as well as my grandparents, because they're all very justice oriented, and really focused on caring for people and just treating everybody the same. The caretaker up to the CEO doesn't matter. Just treat everyone like human being and it sounds so cliche, but it's true. And that's, that's what I do, I don't think about it, that's just what I do.Mark Laurie:
Now we encounter a guy one time and he was a, he would go in when he was radiant in new assistance, or people for the firm, I guess it was a wind up going someplace that was obscure. And there's really they're surrounded, surround by like the entry level people, the guys that will always be sweeping the floors kind of thing, right. And he takes them through it. And and that was the final test how they behaved and treated these people that were the bottom rung. And his attitude was if you can look after the people sweeping the floor, you really shouldn't be at the top of the building. And that was his basic, basic approach for it. It was, it was neat, I kind of like that. So we're gonna have that neat, it's really a rich point of view that, that that's what you're judged on is a person way down there. And he he his whole point of view, he says, you know, if you're pushing the broom, doesn't matter what you think you're worth, that Job's worth this amount of money. And so the person that asked what it is, but you can still do it with you know, there's a power of stuff, things that are in there, I had one friend that he got involved with was prisoners who get released. And john Howard society think it was and he was a privileged person, he sold everything, like his store in his house, got a very, very humble place. And then he used the money to help these people reestablish their lives. And it just, it was just one of those really unusual sort of twists with the whole thing. Where you go to find meaning for your life. And you sit back and go, I want to I want to balance my life out I want to find meaning to what kind of places you go to find that.Trish:
The beach, yeah, in one place. Yeah. These days. And you know, and that's interesting, you ask that too, because that has been a real struggle for me this last year, because we would travel quite a bit actually, for my husband's work, we would go to Toronto quite a bit and they didn't have to be at the beach, but I find being away from like everyone does being away from work and home and all that. But this last year, we've had to navigate Of course all being together under one roof and then trying to find not only a space but that time. So what I've done is I've just literally had to find it with my mind. So I've shut my phone off. Usually what I end up doing is going for a walk more occasionally when I'm driving but it's usually the walk that I find where I get my most most of my clarity, whether it's with my husband or myself, and I don't some people need quiet I like to listen to music or podcasts and it just sort of feels like my brain is just kind of pruning itself at the time you know when I put things in the right pockets and make sense of everything and especially if I'm stressed about something that's the time where I can let the garbage go and just see things a little more clearly it's just I guess it's especially walking in nature right can be walking on a treadmill has to be walking around where I live there's a lot of nature and that seems to come the craziness in my mind at times.Mark Laurie:
It does anchor people does it just you're walking my path and you're just sort of become become sort of centered these new these buildings I'm seeing where they actually have got plants growing down the the balconies and there's there's one we saw that virtually a whole were enormously concrete. It's just all vegetation. And they've got this whole system. It's really really wild. We had a client that came in and for her when she turned I think it was 30 or something 25 her husband and her buddies came in and they put tarping down the living room covered and sand for the summer. Same tool and because they couldn't go to Hawaii for some other reason was, yeah, I'm Tom. And they've turned the living room completely into a beach with water and palm trees. And they have heaters going, this whole kind of thing, right was this way, way over the top. So she came in for a photoshoot, and she's doing nudes. And she says, I got to find a way to top that, like I just made the news. It was a lot of fun. So when you look at the mirror, what would you say your unique talent is your skill, something to say this is what? Why was born with this is his thing. I've nurtured and I'm growing, you'reTrish:
arresting, I've said my kindness and my compassion. But really lately, what I've discovered is, you know, growing up, I would come up with so many people do tons of different ideas. And they never seem plausible to other people. So I was often seen as flighty, and like I was constantly and also probably the way I carried myself is very gregarious, and that kind of thing. And so it's hard for people to take me seriously. I think I even found out a bit when I was in business school. And you know, it used to get to me. But you know, as I've gotten older, and I've looked back on things, I really see my ingenuity and my inventiveness as a good thing. So especially running my business now, I like it when I see that everybody else is doing things one way, and I'm totally on the other side of it. I do not want to be like everybody else. And that's something that I'm not afraid to do. And I'm very confident in. And I know it's a good idea. So you know, if if you think about all the inventions and all the great things that have happened, they've all been new, you're doing the same thing everyone else is doing. I mean, okay, but that's just not me. That's not what fires me up. And that's something I'm good at and pulling together patterns of things that other people don't see. And that's what helps me come up with different ideas and not just rather than me, and now I no longer care what other people think. In fact, I if I do it, I hope they don't like it because I know it's going to be a slam dunk.Mark Laurie:
That constantly doing it, that's like a muscle you're exercising the first couple times you do it, it's kind of spooky, and you're very aware that you're not going with the current. And then I'm guessing after a while, it feels only natural when you're going against the current and go with the current feels uncomfortable. Is that accurate? Yeah. Oh,Trish:
hang on. Yes. First, you know, I'm part of it, I think is just learning to be comfortable with yourself. And that's something that growing up, I always felt comfortable. I never once questioned who I was, or my demeanor or anything, maybe sometimes I shouldn't have. But I honestly I had a lot of confidence, I was raised that way to be a strong, independent, confident woman, I praise my both my parents for that. They still do that. And I both my sister and I grew up that way. And you can't mess with us. We're good people, but don't mess with us. You know? And, and, and but you're right that there are many times where I started to question, am I doing the right thing for you when people that don't understand your mission or don't understand your way of thinking, of course are going to want to know if that's such a good thing. And when I was very young, and I wasn't that mature, I would think well, I'm doing it anyways, and not not really kind of assessing things. But now I after I've done it a few times and haven't fallen on my face too bad. But even when I have you know, I'm still living, I'm still fine. So I just think no, keep going. Because I'll be times where it doesn't always work out. But I'd rather live my life thinking, I did all this great stuff. And I bombed as opposed to our idea which I had. And that to me is not living at all.Mark Laurie:
So what do you see a challenge like that? Like when when you think of a challenge? What kind of elements make a challenge for you? The questionTrish:
I just really don't know, I don't I actually it's again, it's so cliche, but it's all I can think of right now. Because I'm having the time of my lifetime just feeling so great that the only thing that I feel challenged with is to shut off. Because when I get excited, and I'm involved, even when I was just parenting, I'm a stay at home mom, I was all in and can't shut it off ever. And that's always been a challenge for me because it is a great skill to have, when you've got my attention, you've got my attention. But at the risk of like everything else is shut out. So I'm learning to try and balance that and I have to in my business multitask and not work 24 seven so that I think they'll always be a challenge for me.Mark Laurie:
How do you get out of because what you're doing, you know, you're dealing with people's lives, emotions, and so on. How do you turn things off and say, Great, here's my business window. And we'll look at this window not what's your what's your flip switch?Trish:
Yeah, that has been a work in progress very much. So because I when I was raising my children and also going through my own high conflict, divorce. At times, it was impossible because the emotions took over. I found it wasn't a thought process. It was just my whole body would react and I could not switch gears no matter what and like panic attacks will take over the whole bit. So I think what started the process of learning to shut off was getting some great therapy. I did EMDR I did Excel I think it's resolution therapy, body psychotherapy, just deal with the whole body dynamic. And then now I literally, it's just as simple as I'm done. I don't want Okay, I've done I just to make the decision because I think my decisions all day long. So why am I just waiting for relaxation to happen? No, I'm done. I'm watching TV. No, I'm done. I know, there's stuff to do. But there's a whole day tomorrow, I'll worry about it. And it's just forcing myself to do that it wasn't easy at first because that I keep thinking or I'm just gonna write this down. And now I started doing this experiment. If you don't write it down, don't do anything. If someone dies tomorrow, because of it, then change your way. But if no one dies, because of it, then keep doing that. And that seems to work. Now. It's just muscle memory.Mark Laurie:
Just the way you have to work with it. What don't people understand about you?Unknown:
what sometimes used to be that they didn't realize how intelligent I was because of the flightiness. But now, let's see, I think it would be what they don't understand about me would be very hard for me to be to do things for myself. Everything I do is for everybody else. And again, that's just so everybody says that, but it's true. I, I, it's, I have to be careful, especially in the business that I'm in too is I'm not giving too much of myself. And that even though I give this, I have this image that I've gotten all together, I'm fine. Sometimes I'm not. And there's nothing anyone can do about that. But if I'm, you know, if my surroundings look like chaos, and I look fine, I'm not because I put on a good show. Sometimes I've learned a little bit little late to let my guard down with other people because my psychologist who I used to see years ago jokes with me all the time, when I came in to see her and I was telling her I was getting divorced. I didn't just like that. She said, so yeah, everything's fine. And I'm getting divorced and data. And so you were it's just kind of everything is cool. Everything is great. And when it's not sometimes so that's people think that I've got it all together. And I have this charm life. And yes, I'm blessed, but I struggle just as much as everyone else does.Mark Laurie:
I think a lot of people don't fit that. And of course, I think it's been been even reinforced through Facebook and other social media stuff, is people tend to see the greener grass on the other side. They look over and go, Oh my god, that person's life is so perfect. I you know, how how could they possibly not be happy every moment of their life? I wish I had that. Do you see that? A lot.Trish:
Oh, 100%. You know, there's a one woman that I follow on Instagram that speaks to exactly what you're talking about. I love her. Her her candle is saggy Sara as a ra. And she talks about that where you know, anyone can look fabulous with the ring lights, and which I have one myself right now I would not have not have it on. You know, you want to present your recipe. But so many people portray themselves as being perfect. And that's just really sets everyone up for failure even for themselves. So she posts the Instagram photo. And then the real photo of herself for you know, cheap burns down and her tummy pokes out to you just like the rest of us. And I love that because I'm so tired honestly, of everything being so polished. I've even said that with people who are on a you know, I'll be on zoom conferences, and you know, your dog shows up or the kids are crying or there's tech problems. And I always say you know what, I find that so endearing. because it reminds me that everybody goes through these things. And I don't want to be in a world where everything is just super smooth and perfect. That's not where the fun is in life. I'll give you an example. Okay, so our family is notorious for for a holiday or something else is going on. The great memories are about the disasters. So a couple of years ago, we're celebrating Mother's Day at my parents house. Something was wrong with my parents deck door, and the screen or the door locked on its own. I had no idea. I walked outside and we're all outside including my 97 year old grandmother starting to rain and we're thinking oh my god, what do we do now? So my dad didn't have an extra key. None of us did for some reason. So we ended up spending the entire afternoon on Mother's Day, grandma in the garage because of started to rain. Most of us are crammed in my dad's SUV while he tried to crack down a locksmith on a Sunday. And there's eight of us all crammed in there and honestly, it was the best Mother's Day Ever because we kept joking about how ridiculous this was. But I love that as opposed to being upset that we didn't have this perfectly groomed Mother's Day you know, like those are some of my best memories. Yeah,Mark Laurie:
it's really funny. We get rough on the edges. This kind of guy this guy you know having a vacation that goes perfect. doesn't have the same stories if you will. Then Then one that's Yeah, we had the drinks are nice and they arrived as opposed like the Gandhi. You dropped it on ladies dressed and they fell back on top and we never need to get our food. Back. There's a story there and And so you you kind of you kind of walk away and go, Wow, that was interesting and nice.Trish:
That's like the stories of life. I like that. Yes,Mark Laurie:
I did with this garage thing. I came across a photograph. It's called a bad design thing. And this house was built, was raised up to two storey house. So underneath the house, right, and we would have like a raised basement. That was the garage, and the front porch would flip up. And the cars could drive out. It was very, very bizarre, right? Yeah. The lady says grandmother's in the front porch, and she's just happened to be in front of the door. And the thing slips up, and she gets dumped into the front door. Remember, grandma's there? This is this whole, everything over the whole front porch, this just rotates up, it was just a wildTrish:
So what's the best advice you've ever received? Something that you go, that was good. That was a life changer?Trish:
Yeah. I think it would be something my aunt Donna has said often times, and it was, you can't tell me what to do. Unless you're paying my mortgage mortgage. So in essence, don't let other people do or tell you what to do, especially those who aren't doing it. So you know, if they don't know, if they're not in your situation, or they've never been where you are, I want you to know don't listen to them. They're just they're just worrying about their own insecurities. And, you know, at first when she first used to say that, I think okay, but she's absolutely right.Mark Laurie:
Yeah, I we encountered that as well, like in. So many coaches are popping up out of everywhere. And then they're talking like a business coach, and you somebody digs elements while you're on the verge of bankruptcy. While listening to you. Yeah. You got a marriage counselor. And they're, they're going through bitter divorce. It's like, there's a there's a disconnect here somewhere. That that is, that is a good, that's a good solid piece of advice for how do you see challenges? Go back to that one again? When what kind of challenges would you sit back and say, that's a big challenge? What's the big challenge for youTrish:
think, not comparing myself to others, even though what I said before would contradict that, you know, where I say I don't listen to others, I want to be different than others. But that still that sense of nagging of? Are you up to snuff? Are you meeting the challenge? Are you as good as everybody else? Right. And, you know, at 50, you think that I wouldn't be thinking it doesn't happen nearly as often. But I find that a challenge, because, in a way, it's good to gauge yourself against others. But I'm really trying to get away from that I'm trying to gauge myself, like they say in golf, you don't compete against others, you compete against yourself, that's what I'm really trying to manifest is that, that it doesn't matter what the rest of the industry is doing. Or, for instance, I found going through divorce, you know, based on how financially taxing it was, I would find myself comparing us to other people our age, where they were financially and this and that, and where they were even in just the world or their career, you can't do that, because their journey was not my journey, you know, and so I'm really trying to get away from that challenge. Or get away from that, because that just drags a person down, I find and try to get rid of that challenge altogether. Because I it's a challenge in the sense that I always overcome it. And but I get tired of that. I just want to just worry about what it is that I'm doing today. And I'm getting better and better at it.Mark Laurie:
Yeah, I know what that's like I I tend to hang around with some really good photographers, like, just, they're amazing. Half the time that they are to do, I think how did you see that kind of thing for them. And so by comparison, if I look at them, and then look at my skill set, like I am such a drag of a photographer, you know, and then come across somebody else that kind of go really heavy. If you look behind you there's a white people that you're teaching that you're I think it could be but these guys here, they're the ones that are in front of you. And they tear guns. I totally, totally understand that. Yes. You mentioned a bit about divorce and you remarried. What is high now feeling like you've you've you go through divorce, which which I think the divorce you mentioned earlier was one that triggered you to start your your high conflict coaching. How do you go from that experience? And to find love again, and find relationships can work? What what kind of poops? Did you mainly have to go through? Or was it just like you found a new love? Do you think this is what it is? How does that work?Trish:
That's a good question. Actually, I lucked out is a bit of a Cinderella story. And I always say I have to find a different term. I always say my current husband, which to me always sounds like he's my husband for the moment. And then I'm moving to the next. That's not the case. But my husband. He and I have known each other since we were I was 15. And he was 17. We in the summer one summer we work together at a drugstore and dated and then broke up. And then we even though we were in the same neighborhood, we hadn't seen each other we hadn't seen each other at university even though we hadn't seen each other many, many years. Just as luck would have it. His relationship was breaking up the same time my marriage broke up and thanks to Facebook. Can you looked me up. And the rest is history. And we could be honest, I don't know if my story would be as much of an inspiration to others because I didn't have to go into the dating circles. I think what brought part of what brought us together was our history, but also that we were both in the same situation, we're both currently have come out of a relationship. He also turned out, had a very difficult first divorce and was alienated from his child. So we come from this, like similar backgrounds, we grew up in the same neighborhood families are similar. So we just matched, although saying that there was, you know, like, so he just kind of hit it off. But what I didn't anticipate is because I didn't have to do a mind shift. I was like, Oh, God, you know, it's like Kismet, you know, we were meant to be together, but then not anticipating the difficulties that arise from not dealing with your triggers and your old stuff. Both of us didn't. So there were some bumpy roads along the way. And we've we've, I'm glad that happened, because worked through all that. So now, we've gotten rid of all that. But I didn't anticipate that that was a real shocker for me, so, but I'm so glad I was able to find love. And that's one thing I want people to realize, too, is that I don't care how many times you've been divorced, it doesn't have to be the same. And that's what I work with my clients a lot on is is to try and work on your own stuff and find out what your triggers are. Because everyone always wonders, why do I keep picking the same person, it's because you're the same person, you haven't dealt with your students right? And, and not to say that your poor behaviors, but just the things and the stories, you tell yourself, once you process all that and get rid of all that and restructure that, then I can almost guarantee that you will behave differently, you will seek differently. And you'll be able to see the joy where there maybe wasn't before and maybe have different priorities. And I think we're not we're meant to be connected. We're not meant to be alone. So you I really wish everyone could find that second love third love fourth love 10th love, I don't care what it is.Mark Laurie:
So your that's interesting, what the triggers? How did you discover suddenly that you that your triggers are still there that you guys are setting each other off? How did that process happen?Trish:
Well, it got to the point where we were almost verbatim having the same arguments, and I'd say them husband like Honest to God, it's deja vu, like we every so often, same thing like it whenever targeted, you know, I don't even know, it's always just something stupid. But the conversation we would have would be exactly the same. And I thought to myself, okay, this is just you know, that saying, I don't know if it's Einstein keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different results. And I can't take this anymore. So you know, we worked with a really good psychologist who I've known since the kids were little and she really had us looking at, at first you know, what the person saying and what you're hearing? And that was great. But then also, why are you hearing that? It's, you know, because we always look at why we say things, but we don't always look at how, why we hear that. So because you know, someone can say something completely innocuous, you and I can be in a room and you will hear something even though the words are the same you hear and interpret something differently than myself. And that all stems from usually childhood and things we weren't even aware that we learned or remodeled what was modeled for us. And I find it fascinating. Now I oftentimes, you know, people around you might get sick of it, but I'll kind of theropods myself out loud. And I'll say, oh, I've been noticing I've been doing this, I think this is because of this in my childhood. You know, and I shouldn't. But I find it very therapeutic because it creates an awareness around of my behavior. And I'm trying to be more intentional about what I say and do or how I react. Just because somebody said such and such, instead of getting all uptight about it, I realized, wait a minute. He said thanks. But it meant nothing of what you thought it did. You know, because, you know, there's always misinterpretations. And I think goodness, you know, she she gave us the impetus and then we just started working on it and and we'll arrive each other to or question like is like there's something going on. It's it's kind of it's the always the overreaction or the noodle reaction. And then we we book, what's helped is that my husband's been very willing and able and wanting to do that, it's, it's impossible, if only one of you is is doing that.Mark Laurie:
And that's the thing with is not just husband, wife, I think, any relationship if you if you're trying to solve an issue with your child, or with a friend, if the other person is not prepared to come to the table and and look at their part of the equation, I'm not necessarily saying that they're the problem, but saying, Well, you know, we're connected somehow. So that means there's, you know, if I'm not throwing sparks at you, then I'm the abrasive nature that's likely to trigger the sparks that like there's something kind of happening. And then I think the next stage is you're both aware that, that you're connecting in some of those rough edges to it. But you both have to be in that situation. I love you enough to face this demon. Is that accurate?Trish:
Oh, for sure. I mean, to be honest, you know, I think part of it too, was I don't wanna go through another divorce. So we better figure this out. I'm not doing this again. Damn. Right I do. And, you know, there's a sense, there's a lot of love in a relationship, but almost as much of gratitude because, you know, to be with somebody who sees you for who you are, and loves that, you know, warts and all. And wants you to be like that and supports you, and doesn't frustrate you to be anything else. You don't everybody dreams of that, but doesn't doesn't have it. Like, I am just so grateful. And so I drove me to do whatever it took to make sure we both worked on it, because I thought this, it's, there's no way I'm going to find this again in life. So we better make it work. And, and we have, and he's felt the same way. But so many people do, but they just either don't know what to do or how to do it. And sometimes I just say just forget something. There's no, even though that worked for us, that may not work for you. But you've got to do something, you know, you can't just if you know there's a broken window, or I don't know something, that's a bad example, you don't just wish it and hope that somehow it'll fix itself, right. And that's what we do with relationships. You need to physically do something.Mark Laurie:
Yeah. Yeah, it's like our houses get built, please start laying the foundation to get this. Thing think kind of gets into career personal heroes, who do you look up to?Trish:
Well, again, my Nana, my parents, because they are two people in the world to still to this day, you know, I'm 50 years old, they will lay down their life for anyone in the family, they will put aside everything. There's still parents, you know, and so many people lose sight of that, no matter how old your kids are, my mom still says, but you'll always be my baby. And sometimes we all roll our eyes. But I love that because we all need that. Right? Especially God forbid when we lose our parents. Doesn't matter. If you're seven years old, you've missed that, you know, and I really admire that, that being able to step outside yourself and be there for others and know your role. not try to use your children as a support if you just know your role and stick to it. I love that because I think in life, there's too much pressure to be at all do it all, especially as women and I think just grow it, stick it to your knitting really and do it. Well. It's hard to do it all in a crummy way. Yeah, that's the other person that I admire too. So that's a while ago, and in terms of celebrities, it would have to be pink. Yes, I love her music. I love her concerts, all that but I love that she's not afraid to be who she is. Yeah, some people think she's too tomboyish or she's too crass or this and that and I think you keep going I'm tired of people. I like that she doesn't let people decide for her who could be and she is what she is and she's proud of it and she makes sure that her daughter and her son are proud of who they are like she's I've heard her I've read that she had says her daughter you've heard people say I'm too much like a board or I'm to this or to that and she said the little girl says yes mama and she said and do you see me changing my hair and no mama and then pink says do you see me as selling out arenas all over the world? Yes Mama. So the point is is that don't let others change you and I love that I think I love how she uses her platform for good to create you know a competence and people to you know love your body love where you are Don't let from me people change your how you feel about yourself.Mark Laurie:
She's what my heroes as well. There's a story account, I came across with her that there was a the two performers that were had lines in there acting magicians and I had a heart attack, the lion kind of blew away. Everybody forgot about the elephant who was the warmup act. So what happened is that there's elephant in this small container and so ever before they started their show, the alpha would come on do some stuff, then he'd go back and this was the only time we really got out. When they stopped doing their show. He never got out of the thing. He was like stuck in there. Right? So she hears about it. And she decides she wants to buy him and move him to a wildlife park in Texas which is a long ways away right? Literally would cost millions of dollars. So I can read like five or 10 it was not this was not cheap fruit to do. So she develops it most celebrities do they they create a charity group and this whole kind of thing where she's different she steps up and she seeds it with a million dollars of her own money to get the thing launched. And I thought that's authentic. That's someone that says like I care I'm putting in a million dollars you don't have to but help in some small way and she did she went up with the furniture taken that given the elephant down ration and you're she's an animal rights activist amongst a whole bunch of other stuff for it but that's money where your mouth is that's where you stand up and you were most celebrities if they're on the phone like you're you shouldn't This is me talking you should give the money than they get paid for the trip and off to kind of go so now i'm i'm with you with her hero. She's one of the cute phrase that she said was so interesting. This is goes back a bit but she she picked up he says between that because of her contemporaries, of course was Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears. And she says Who would have thought that between myself Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears? I'd be the only one that was isn't having problems, like wasn't in jail didn't have a record? Who saw that coming?Trish:
No k That's so funny. I like her. Very self deprecating, and just very real authentic, like you said, and I love that.Mark Laurie:
Yeah, she's good. So what was the turning point in your life? What kind of moments changed the flow of your life? Hmm. Ah,Trish:
you know, my life was pretty easygoing, until I'd say, a few years after having children, that's when my marriage started to fall apart, or actually, even when my second was born, and then with my divorce, like ever, you know, even even though there are some issues with my marriage, and the turning point really was my divorce. And then later when my ex husband tried to alienate my children, for me, because watching my Nana and listen to her stories, and to hearing what she had to endure, plus how I was raised to be a strong, independent woman, I never ever, ever saw myself being in a situation where I was being coercively, controlled, abused, or anything like that. I just just didn't even enter my sphere of of reference. What I didn't realize is that I was in it, and had no idea you know, which is like, right, it's like the boiling the frog metaphor. And when I was going through my divorce, I was so everything seemed out of control. And I wouldn't say I'm a control freak, but I'm used to being in control. I'm used to controlling myself my emotions a little bit. But I couldn't control anything. I took great pride in being a stay at home mom for a while I was all in. And I took great pride in that. And I was being ripped away for me. So that was a real turning point for me, because my whole life felt like it was being ripped apart. I didn't see a way out. I was scared. I was petrified because there are a lot of things my ex husband was doing that I never, I didn't. I mean, there's some red flags, I look back, but I could never anticipate what went on or what eventually did go on, and I could never predict it. And that feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's terrifying. Like I finally understood what it's like for women who always have to look behind them. No, I had too much I even that comes to a point sometimes where we have to think, you know, is that thing bugged? Do I check the car for GPS? Like it was, it was terrifying with all that. And it's funny how your world starts to shrink then because it doesn't matter what's going on everywhere else. What matters is right here right now. Am I safe? Are my children safe? And you kind of isolate yourself from everything else. Because no one really seems to under not many, you don't want to talk about it. And many people don't understand what that's like, especially when that individual who's doing that to you comes across as being very charming or normal. You start to feel like juice, people aren't believing me and then you start gaslighting yourself, is this really happening? Am I being too sensitive? And that honestly rocked my world for many years, I found myself really rock bottom and not knowing how I got here and feeling like To be honest, my life up to that point, what was the point if this is the way my life is going to be? Now it was, it was not fun time. And I lost temporarily that part of myself that always sees the optimism of things and see the way out and creatively. So problem solving. I just for a while I gave up. So I was just exhausted from it all and scared.Mark Laurie:
And how did you then turn it I keep gathering that you then took that and did something with it. So that was that was a turning point. But what was attorney park?Trish:
You know, and I don't even know what day it was or what it was to watch it. That's not true. I think probably the moment was, they'll remember what day it was, but my grandmother who I admire, she was in the hospital. And we went she didn't we didn't talk much about my situation. But one day, she sat me down and really kind of laid it out for me, in that you've still got so much life ahead of you know, continue to suffer, do what you have to do, to do have a great happy life because that's what you deserve, you know, something to that effect. And so from then on, I just really thought I'm going to do what I have to do. And it wasn't anything physical. It really wasn't it was changing my mindset. I was so focused up into that point on this isn't fair, this shouldn't be happening, right? But fine to radically accept certain things that this is just the way it is like for instance, I really struggled with the fact that you know, my ex husband tried to alienate the children wouldn't return them to me. And I just thought this isn't the way I saw things going. I would go to my son's hockey game and I'd look at other parents to think how nice you can take your son home for hockey like I used to. There's a lot of loss and But then one day I had to realize and radically accept you know what, everyone's kids are wrong. everything's normal. You've been asked at some point, you're just having to do it. Right. And I had to do a lot of that and that was a turning point for me entirely, not even career wise or just in life so that I'm not weighed down like If anything can happen to me, but that doesn't have to weigh me down. It's just a matter of sometimes you write the world doesn't. It doesn't conspire against you, but doesn't really coincide with what you envisioned your life to be. But I figured, you know, people will ask me, how can you do it? And I just said, What's my alternative to be miserable and hate my life? Like, at some point, my turning point was I had, I had no choice. I didn't want to live like like that. If I want to enjoy it, like if that's the case, I might as well check out now. If I want to enjoy life, I got to change my way of thinking simple.Mark Laurie:
Yes, that's wild. Have you changed your mind or anything recently?Unknown:
I changed my mind. But I think I tend not to know once I decide No, I can't think of anything. Well, I really can't know for it's not a great answer. But no, I haven'tMark Laurie:
said to cancer, we're good. jG person there we go. I know. IUnknown:
know. That's right.Mark Laurie:
So what's the perfect day for you? But kinda when you wake up? And when you close the day go? That is how my day should be?Trish:
Great question. I've been thinking about that a lot lately, actually. Because you know, because of COVID. We're at home. I'm blessed with, you know, at any given time, one of my children are home, and my husband's here, my dogs are here. What I started to realize is I don't need much, I have missed my extended family. We're very, very close. But a perfect day for me is waking up. And cuddling with the dogs on the couch. My one dog is very needy. He needs to come and cuddle under the blanket with me. It's how he starts his day. And as long as his day is good, then my day is good. Yeah, and then my husband and I used to go for a good power walk that always starts my day off. Well, we kind of talk about things that are on weighing on our brain or what's on our agenda for the day. And we get each other's opinions. I love that connecting because then sometimes even though we're literally in the same room, we may not talk for the rest of the day, because we're busy. But I love that connecting and we kind of know where each other's at, man, I like doing different things to the day, I don't want to do one thing. So like today, for instance, is a great day, I had a chat with someone from England this morning. And I dealt with the client and then a client and a lawyer. And then now podcast. And then I have another client later. And then at the end of the day, I'm going to pick the dogs for a walk with my daughter, watch TV with my husband and I go to bed. And honestly it's as simple as that. It's just simple. And it's connecting with the people I love and feeling like I accomplished something in a day. And it doesn't have to be big. It's just Hey, I got through my list or I made three phone calls cool. Like I nothing's a big bang and fireworks and the whole thing anymore. I just love this. Feeling good about what I did. Today was everything that I did, I did it to the best of my ability. Friends. I'm good. I can live with myself for that day.Mark Laurie:
That's good. I see behind you got a slogan us I'm sorry, Mother Teresa. What is your motivational quote, something that you that you get your Stars by?Trish:
Not wouldn't have to be its Nelson Mandela's I might be bastardizing. The quote is a bit but a paraphrasing. Mayor decisions be based on your hopes, not your fears. And that's something I came across probably maybe about a year ago. And I thought that is going to be my mantra for the rest of my life. Because especially through my divorce, I can look back at almost every single decision and every single decision was based on my fears. It was a lot of Oh, if I do this, what's he going to do? What's my lawyer going to say? what's the judge going to say? Is this going to put us in financial barriers? Always what if what if, and I convinced myself that hey, I used to say to my husband, it's v person, I don't want to just wing it. I like to have Plan B, C, D and E. But they didn't realize is actually what I'm just preparing for disaster all the time. What I like to call I left it that I thought yeah, because otherwise, you know, and granted, you have to be aware of your fears and things that can happen. But you know, that's just brilliant mitigate disaster, as opposed to searching for what you want. And so that's what I deliberately all the time, especially if I'm kind of weighing my options, I look at Well, what do I want? And what am I afraid of? And unless it's a bear eating me, I don't worry about the fear really, or unless I you know, we're gonna be destitute, like major fears, because that's earnings it is all based on right is is these imaginary fears. And so I think about that a lot and think, what is it that I hope or even just focusing on, you know, when you're plugging away, let's say building a business or anything, it takes time, you don't just start painting a wall, you've got to prep and sometimes it takes people six months a year, it takes what it takes, you know, and that's, there's a sense of comfort in that and not pressuring yourself and just thinking, no, I think I'm going to just I'm going to assume things are going to work itself out and I'm smart enough that if it goes wrong, I'll adapt at the time right but I'm working to always plan for disaster.Mark Laurie:
Yeah, that not time for disaster is really an important stage to have that because most people have a plan for what can go wrong. Let's pre solve all these things can go wrong and say, Well, what could go right? To make this thing worthless? It's been playing with you. We're time's wrapping up for it. I You are a delightful person. I love this living in the moment but with this big grin and going on to everyone I'm Mark Laurie from fascinating women hosting guests is hipsterish a marvelous person and hope to see you again soon. This is inner spirit photography hosting fascinating women.introduction:
This has been fascinating women with Mark Laurie. Join us on our website and subscribe at fascinating women dossier fascinating woman has been sponsored by inner spirit photography of Calgary, Alberta and is produced in Calgary by Lila's and my office media.